I have frequent [hypothetical] conversations with Jay Leno while having a shower.
“Congratulations on winning the Best Actress Oscar,” he says in front of a live studio audience.
“Oh shucks,” *Audience applause*
“How did you do it?”
“Well, Jay,” I wash off my shampoo. “An orgasm really isn’t that hard to fake…”
I once snuggled in bed with a boyfriend who claimed that he could tell when a girl was Faking It.
“No you can’t,” I insisted.
“I assure you, I can,” He boasted.
“Impossible.”
“I can.”
“You couldn’t five minutes ago.”
*Silent heart attack*
The female orgasm is more mysterious than Houdini or Nazi gold. In fact, I predict that guys could find Lindsay Lohan’s career before they could find the G-spot. It is this bizarre, elusive and, I must say, utterly fabulous thing that is often ignored because no-one relevant seems to know what the Hell is going on.
Have you ever watched a boy search for butter in the fridge?
“I can’t find it!”
“I can see it from here!” The oestrogen in the room will announce.
“Where?”
*She puts down How To Loose Friends And Alienate People and walks to the refrigerator*
“Here!” Once the milk, left overs and Cheese In A Can have been moved out of the way, the position of the butter is more than obvious.
“Oh.”
“You had a boy look,” She shakes her head and puts on a hard hat in preparation for Later.
There is a great misconception about a girl having the ability to come.
“I would like to compare the statistics of girls who claim they can’t come during sex with those who lay on the bed like a starfish,” I told a totally different boyfriend one day after he had led a brilliant search party. “I am positive that the figures would correlate.”
As far as I am concerned, with all things in consideration, it is the girl’s responsibility to make sure that He can Do It. Because I never want to say, “I came to more bars than boys”. And I really like bars.
Unfortunately, a missing orgasm can’t be blamed to one person. Or one gender. It would be so much easier if it were. Sadly, Easy is also not the answer.
A girl will fake an orgasm for multiple […] reasons.
“If I could just get some putty and some paint, I could do wonders to the cracks in this ceiling,” I have thought to myself while He does His thing after I have spent the day curing cancer [or similar]. “Tomorrow I need to go to the post office. Oh shit! Did I feed the dog?”
“I don’t want this to stop until you come,” He will say in utterly oblivious ecstasy [. Understandably].
“Oh Jesus,” I have thought. “Who has that kind of time?”
What happens next is pre-prepared, practiced and above all else, award-winning.
The entire situation has nothing to do with his ability, his stamina or his prowess. [Well, not always]. It has to do with that fact that the girl is just laying there. And saving the world [or similar] is consuming more of her mind.
Who has ever found their lost car keys by lying on their back staring at a cracked ceiling? [For example]. I rest my case. And knees.
No girl goes into sex saying, “Do what you need to, I don’t care. I have no intention of orgasming!” If she does…marry her.
During some days, nights or lunch breaks, a girl is busy, bothered or bloated. Brad Pitt holding a light sabre could not change the situation.
Many girls will admit that sex can still be brilliant without an orgasm. Just like they will admit that Size doesn’t really matter. Because, in relation to both, it is what you do with it that counts.
“I don’t even care if She comes or not,” a onceuponamissinglink told me after showering me with affection. “It doesn’t wreck my experience. So long as I don’t know about it.”
“So you wouldn’t mind hearing that possibly every single girl you have ever slept with has faked it?”
“That hasn’t happened,” he rest assured.
“Of course it hasn’t,” I confirmed.
*That was acting. Thank you.*
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