Whenever I am reminded that Germany onceuponatime tried to take over the entire world, I think, “Seriously? How can anyone be that stupid?” And then I remember that I once got one mark out of a possible twenty on an exam purely because I remembered to write my name on it and I realize that no matter how capable you perceive yourself to be, you are still just a human being that makes really stupid mistakes.
When you attend a university that uses beer as a religion, it is blasphemous to not drink at every possible moment. I once took a flask of scotch to the library because I thought it would help me study. And then I realized that, no, alcohol actually makes me stupid and I have an overflowing file of instances to prove it.
Like the time I lost my shoes in a river and then literally ran into my professor while doing the walk of shame barefoot;
Or the time I put aluminium foil in the microwave;
Or the time I went looking for a bathroom in a boyfriend’s house and walked straight into his parent’s bedroom. Naked.
My girl friend and I decided that the smartest thing we could do was see how much alcohol we could consume before going out in public.
“We are going to have the BEST night!” we boasted and then toasted.
Three hours later my shirt was falling off and I was making out with a boy on a podium who had taken it upon himself to self-style his own shirt into something that can only be described as a “midriff”.
“Who the Hell was that?” My girl friend asked when we realized that another shot was the smartest thing we could do to improve the perception of us in public.
I had no idea what his name was and then remembered that I had previously met someone hotter and younger who I desperately wanted to kiss.
“Come and meet my friend Nick!” I dragged her across the bar.
“Hi, my name is Sam,” He told her.
I ignored the apparent need to make potential dates wear name-tags and started making out with him immediately. After twenty minutes (or maybe an hour. Or a week. Who knows?) of dry humping him against the wall next to a pool table, he thought I was an appropriate person to introduce to his own friends.
“Sall, this is [Absolutely Stunning Hot Boy Who Has Every Right To Think I Am A Dick].”
I have always been interested in what my reaction to shitting myself in public would be. I now know.
After I successfully destroyed any chance of the first boy I have [really, really, really] liked in almost two years seeing me as anything other than something that must be sprayed with bug killer, I fell outside to have a cigarette.
Sam, for reasons I will never understand, followed me.
“How do you know [Absolutely Stunning Hot Boy Who Has Every Right To Think I Am A Dick]?”
I have never before been in a situation where a possible fuck buddy turns into a therapist.
“He is my crush. And I already destroyed the chance of him being anything more than that at the beginning of the week. And now This. So now I simply must go and stick my head in an oven or drink detergent.”
“Don’t be stupid,” he encouraged, ignoring that fact that I was beyond controlling it. “Just go and talk to him and explain yourself. You can fix it.”
I have never before been in a situation where a possible fuck buddy turns into my pimp.
Absolutely Stunning Hot Boy Who Has Every Right To Think I Am A Dick walked away after only a minute of me digging my own grave.
“That was kind of rude,” my boy friend scoffed.
“Yeah. How dare he walk away from the girl who has yelled at him, accused him and then later made out with his friend?”
The truth is, I would have walked away from me to. I am grateful that he gave me even a second of his time.
“I think I have turned asexual,” I drank more. “Because I fucked my own life.”
I held onto the bar, metaphorically drinking straight from the bottle, watching Absolutely Stunning Hot Boy Who Has Every Right To Think I Am A Dick and his friend make out with new girls right in front of me. I left because even I knew that staying any longer was stupid and a mistake.
The next morning, after I realized I was still drunk and had run directly into a wall on my skateboard, I crawled back into bed and accepted the fact that I single-handedly made someone I like hate me. I have always wondered what that would be like. I know now.
