The Break-Up

20nothing.com has quit this bitch and moved on. Just like Brad did to Jennifer.
It has been fun wordpress.com. It’s not you. It’s me.
Ironically, it is my longest relationship yet.
But never fear – just like a hangover, 20nothing isn’t going away. To keep viewing, please skip on over to www.20nothing.com and read all about my one [...]

Fuck Me I’m Stupid.

Whenever I am reminded that Germany onceuponatime tried to take over the entire world, I think, “Seriously? How can anyone be that stupid?” And then I remember that I once got one mark out of a possible twenty on an exam purely because I remembered to write my name on it and I realize that [...]

Clothes Pony.

When I was two years old, I made AM late for her one-day-a-week of work.
“What happened to you?” Her boss asked when she finally arrived flustered sometime after midday.
“I just wrestled with a toddler over what she would wear to preschool.”
“Why didn’t you tell her what to wear and just put it on her?”
“I tried. [...]

I Want You!

I once told a boyfriend that I didn’t need him, I wanted him. What followed was an education on how to throw a brilliant passive aggressive tantrum. I took notes, packed a lunch and calmly waited it out.
“Do you want to stay over?” I asked when I thought enough time had passed for him to [...]

Go Fish.

My boy friend gave me his fish to baby-sit and my mother relented after ten years of begging to say, “If you can keep It alive for three weeks, you can have a goldfish of your own.”
“I am on a reward system for a fucking fish? What am I? Eight?” I stamped my foot.
“Have you [...]

Living The Dream.

I walked into my kitchen and found a note.
“The car is yours for the day. Why don’t you drive to the beach, have fun with the pretty surfers and enjoy some scotch?”
I threw on my oh-so-chic denim overalls, grabbed my Marc Jacobs bag, kissed the pretty boy who was still asleep in my bed Good [...]

Location, Location, Location.

I have a habit of biting my nails that I desperately try to curb by smoking.
One day, my mother slapped me in public.
“What was that for?” I asked, dumbfounded. My parents have never hit me. Despite many opportunities welcoming it.
“Don’t bite your nails. It isn’t ladylike.”
“Oh, but hitting someone is?”
She then threatened to tie my [...]

Maid In Memories

I was wearing a bikini, a headband, a 99Cent Store facemask and picking up dog poop with a rusty shovel when the cute boy I have been playing daily ping pong with walked into the compound known as my house. I always assumed that my enclosure was a Hot Man Repellent as so few seem [...]

Crush Test Dummy.

Before I had graduated high school and ever entertained the idea of doing one degree let alone three, I told my mother that I wanted to be either a Check Out Chick or a Crash Test Dummy when I grew up, failing to see the painful irony in my choices.
“You want to sit in a [...]

The Average And Overused Lie: A Chad Kultgen Review.

Disclaimer: I have not written a book report since I was 12. Wish me luck.
After reading the novel The Average American Male, I gifted it to my then-boyfriend.
“Here is your unofficial autobiography. Enjoy!”
A few months later, when we had broken up and presumably after he had put down an accompanying (yet necessary) dictionary and recovered [...]