Good Vibrations.

I went to a live sex show in Amsterdam with some very reluctant friends.
“Think of it as a tutorial!” I persuaded. “Think of all the wonderful things you will learn!”
When a black man dressed as Batman walked out on stage with a wang instead of a cape, ready to have his way with a pixie-like [...]

A Fish Called Archimedes

Any time my dog hears the word “walk” he gets excited, followed by immediate frustration and intense depression because no one in the house is motivated enough to make his dream come true.
We started making new words for That Thing You Do To Get From A To B so that he never misunderstood our intentions [...]

The Girl Half Liked.

There have been many occasions where people have requested to purchase crack or *insert mood elevating drug here* from me.
“[He Knows Who He Is] said you have stuff…”
“Um. No.” I shrug. I never know what more to say. There is no How To Deny You Are A Walking Pharmacy book available to me [yet].
The potential [...]

Making Music.

I was once aggressively pursued by a lesbian. Which was only nice because I like to have options.
“I am sorry, but I am the most heterosexual person you will ever meet,” I politely declined.
“Have you ever tried It?”
“No.”
“So how do you know?”
“The same reason I know I am not interested in seeing Paulie Shore movies. [...]

What’s Talk Got To Do With It (Read: Sex)?

The best pickup line I have ever heard was, “Hello. My name is [Mr L.A].”
The man could have proceeded to detail how he harms small animals for fun and it would not have stopped my underwear from metaphorically being ripped off and thrown across the room. I knew the moment I saw him that I [...]

Just Add Alcohol

I have two party tricks when I am drunk (Ahem. Technically I have three). I disappear for hours on end and I say, “Yes”, to any suggestion I am faced with. So, technically, really, the first two equal the third.
It’s just mathematics.
When I was fifteen, RG decided to teach me how to drink alcohol.
“You [...]

Quality Not Quantity

I have frequent [hypothetical] conversations with Jay Leno while having a shower.
“Congratulations on winning the Best Actress Oscar,” he says in front of a live studio audience.
“Oh shucks,” *Audience applause*
“How did you do it?”
“Well, Jay,” I wash off my shampoo. “An orgasm really isn’t that hard to fake…”
I once snuggled in bed with a [...]

Share And Share Alike.

People find very different things funny.
“Hahahahahahaha!” I snorted while in the car with Mr L.A. one day.
“What?” He looked around for something other than my ugly feet to find even remotely amusing.
“That lady walking just fell over.”
His eyes fell on my punch line.
“Are you kidding me?”
“Hahahahahah!” Boggers, literally, fell out of my nose.
“She was retarded.”
“Oh.”
Still, [...]

Finding Emo

The most perfect time in any relationship is before you have even spoken to the person.
For three weeks I have been obsessing over Absolutely Stunning Hot Boy I Have Never Talked To. And for three weeks I have been imagining, romanticizing and creating His personality.
As far as I am concerned at this point, he is [...]

Simple Obstacles, Complicated People.

There are many differences between girls and boys. Girls talk about feelings, boys do not. Boys fart loudly in public, girls [for some reason] do not. Girls put obstacles in the way of the simple things, boys say “Wanna bang?” and get on with it.
Most of the time, the best things I can say [...]