My Nose Is Running

I have a general contempt for doctors. Whether they are looking in my ear, up my skirt or listening to me breath through a Marlboro Light, I am just not a fan.
I just don’t think they do anything for me.
 
Every day of my life, I am trying to think of a plausible excuse [...]

These Boots Were Made For Walking

There is a pair of purple gumboots sitting in the window of a store across from where I work and I want to own them.
In fact, I think they would genuinely make my life better if I owned them – which is a ridiculous, yet frequent, pressure I put on inanimate objects. My wardrobe [...]

Dictating Myself

If (when) I have absolute power of a nation (hopefully one with an ocean view), I doubt I will remain noble for long. And I defy anyone to do the opposite. When one is given ultimate freedom, especially in instances where dictating a society is concerned, ego rapidly takes over and all of a sudden [...]

I Didn’t Expect That

At six AM on Friday Morning, I woke up to a Jack Russel leaping over me to have a Poodle for breakfast. At six-o-one, the Jack Russell flew across the room and hit the wall. Sigh. My maternal instincts, literally, kicked in.
“I wonder what I would do with a baby waking me up?” I [...]

The Writer Formally Known As Fun

I think I have become boring.
Rephrase: I think I have grown up. Here I thought my biggest fears were snakes and pleather handbags, but in reality, I have been avoiding maturity like I avoid fake tanner.
 
Ever since I can remember (which, thanks to my years of binge drinking, isn’t much), I have idolized [...]